Light relief

[jleslie]

Since the tone of some recent contributions has been a little heavy...
just for fun, and with thanks to Peter Moore who originally posted this on
another discussion list, I offer you the following:
   ********************************************************************

In a Tokyo Hotel:
       Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.. if you are not a 
       person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
       The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
       regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
       Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
       To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
       should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
       wishing floor. Driving is not then going alphabetically by 
       national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
       Please your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
       Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the 
       hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
       The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
       chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
       You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from the Russian Orthodox
monastery:
       You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and 
       Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except 
       Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
       Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the 
       boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
       Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
       Salad a firm's own make: limpid red beet soup with cheesy
       dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
       beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
       Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
       Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
       Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
       Order your summers suits. Because is big rush we will execute
       customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:  
       It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
       people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
       together in one tent unless they are married with each other 
       for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
       Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
       opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby 
       be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
       Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
       Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
       a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
       Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
       miscarriages.

Advertisement for sonkey rides in Thailand:
       Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
       Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
       It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
       as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
       Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
       We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
       If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
       Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
       Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
       give it to the guard on duty.

In an office of a Roman doctor:
       Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
       The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
       Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
       best in the long run.

>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
       Cooles and Heates: if you want just condition of warm in your
       room, please control yourself.

>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
       When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
       Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
       your passage, tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
       -  English well talking
       -  Here speeching American

Sign in a shop in Merida, Mexico:
       Broken English spoken fluently.

----
Julia Leslie